New Year

Well let's see, is this gonna be a review of 2010? Probably not, i'm too lazy, meh.
My knee's feeling a lot better, still limping a bit though. On the bright side, i can drive ard, so no more being cooped up at home! The lack of positive responses to my job resume is a bit disappointing though. I expected there to be at least a few positive replies... Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

Friends came to visit, even my banglas. One of the rare times that people from my inner circle actually come over. It was nice to see L again. But Nuwa's marriage reminded me that everyone moves on eventually, so there may still be hope for me yet.

Attended the F2F forum at balestier, what a night. I have to say, being in a room with hundreds of ppl who share similar views on trying to make this country great, it's just invigorating. Plus met a nice lady from RefP, but i told her was from the CivServ, i have no idea why haha. CST looks really old, but truly respected. His mind is still sharp, but clearly he needs to hand over the reins soon.

Nutz is back from Tas, and we're meeting next week yayy! I miss her :p have to hunt for a birthday gift though. Going out with Izazul later, havnt seen her in a while. Gonna meet Harti tmrw i hope, and H nx week, before i fly off. Packed schedule, just the way i like it.

Recieved my new matric card, it's gonna be a new era in life, back to school! I thought this would only have happened with azur, after we got married. But i guess, we can only plan, and God decides, wallahu'alam

Reflections

Just had my op, tore my ACL, bleargh. A couple of weeks on crutches, 4 weeks with braces. 6 weeks on MC woohoo! The respite from work is certainly welcome, as i'm beginning to feel that this isn't the right job for me right now. I'm hoping to get a deecnt bonus and move on, to the civil service probably. Policy work seems interesting, though according to H, the hours are murderous. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway,i was doing a little reflection while stuck in my bed, and i'm struck by how little i'd achieved. 27 years on this mortal plane, and yet so little to show for it. I have a non-existent career, not promoted in 2 years. My love-life's in a mess, broke up with my fiancee and i'm infatuated with a girl who is attached and shows no interest beyond a platonic friendship. I'm in terrible physical shape, still not completed a marathon (or even half) and now i'm walking on crutches.
Still havent gone back-packing yet. And my religious side is just rubbish. Meh
Other than that, i have a great family, wonderful friends, and i hope to be working on the religious aspect soon. I'm hoping this coming year will see a new, rejuvenated me, insya-Allah :)

Injured

Well, i'm back from um where i had a glorious long weekend! Probably my last comp, and it ended with a whimper *bleargh*
My knee's busted, not too bad i hope. But it was time well spent, had a great time bonding with the new team, saw them in a new light.
Plus i got surprisingly close to suha, and she was surprisingly tender *sigh*
And W is really suffering, i hope she gets thru this insya-Allah.

And i got accepted into masters yayy! A new era of mugging beckons!

Updates later ciao

Screwed

I'm pissed. The company's trying to screw me on my appraisal, bloody hell.
No promotion on the way then... I'm not gonna stay stuck at E5 all year long man, especially when everyone else is getting increments and promotions. Gotta look for a new job.

Hmm what else is new? Going for um at the end of the month, hope that'll be fun :)
Ooooh and i'm going to uni studios (hopefully) with Ni, L and Iz. Something to look fwd to :)
And i'm still waiting for the results of my masters application. Insya-Allah i'll get it.

And, Hariat (wayyy back frm my army days) just got back in touch! Maybe we're going out soon, see how lor.
Had a great outing with Nutz the other nite, watched Hoss Leong, funny guy. And she's just gorgeous :)

Mary and S gave birth, to daughters, on the same day, at the same hospital, and with wards side by side! How cool is that?
Babies are just beautiful... When i held mary's daughter in my arms, i knew then, why we all worked so hard. Just to protect our precious children. Holding her in my arms, i felt at peace, calmer than i had been in months past. And it wasnt even my kid! :p
For a brief moment, i saw what it was like to be a father. I have to say, it's an experience i'm looking fwd to insya-Allah

Same old

Hello dear reader, it's been an eventful few months since my last post. It's ramadhan now, a week more to raya :)
Let's just say, it hasn't been the most fruitful of ramadhans for me. Hopefully future ones will be better insya-Allah.

Anyway, singlehood's been interesting, to say the least. Less stress, no more looking over my shoulder, sneaking ard like a thief in the darkness... Going out with interesting ladies, doing stuff i've always wanted to do etc etc. In fact, i just came back from watching a musical at Esplana, FRP, with Ni :) had to take a detour though, my bad :p and the week before, went to watch boein boein with nutz, great fun!
And i'm finding myself spending a lot of time with W, watched a movie, drive ard etc... Something there? I dunno, take things slow i guess.

Work's been decent, got a new project coming along though, 628, hope i don't screw it up :p
looking forward to more holidays coming up! Bali with alumni, um/bandung with current batch and backpacking with W! Hope it all works out :)

Dreamt of L last night, kinda bittersweet i guess... I feel like such a hopeless fool, waiting for someone i might never get, throwing away what i had. But i see clearly now, i need to be with someone who i can't live without, and not just someone who i can live with. If it means i end up alone, then so be it. Everythings fated :)

New Beginning

Well, it's over between me and azur.

Had to happen i guess... Tried to keep it going for as long as i could, pretending that everything was fine, when it clearly wasn't.
She's angry, and bitter, and I certainly don't blame her.

I kept everything inside, convincing myself that the doubts would pass; that they were just the trials one would face before marriage.
But it got so bad that i solat isytihara, and though the signs weren't clear, my heart decided to break it off.

Dear reader, it wasn't a decision that i took lightly. 3 years together, and to throw it all away, and for what? There wasn't another girl waiting for me, might never be.

Maybe i'm just rationalizing, but i truly feel that she'll be better off without me. And i might be happier with someone else.
Truth be told, i wasn't totally happy in the relationship. Too many conflicts, nagging doubts that we were too different.
I just couldn't see us spending the rest of our lives and eternity together.
I broke her heart, and her family's too. And that is something i have to live with...

The terrible thing was that she had no idea. I didn't want to tell her earlier, as i knew she'd try to talk me out of it. I am easily swayed by her tears, and i just couldn't give in. Not this time.

I just hope that someday she and her family might find it in their hearts to forgive me.

Goodbye my dearest buchuk, and may Allah bless you in this life and in the hereafter.

To a brave new world then...

Hey hey

Meh, i'm back... So many things have changed, yet more have remained the same.
In camp now, shld really be asleep.
What's this blog for anyway? Or more accurately, who is it for?

Probably gonna get married next year, feelings shift from happiness/contentment to ambivalence.
Not a good combination, i assure you dear reader.

Spending time with wonderful women worries me that i might be missing out on some wonderful life experiences.
And this isn't lust talking...there are just some...things that azur can't fulfil, as well as things that i know that i dont fulfil for her.
L is still ard, and we keep in touch. Gorgeous as ever, i swear my heart skips a beat when she stands close to me.
We went out to look for syik's bday gift, got some naughty chocs for her :)
L wore a simple mango t-shirt and my tongue got stuck in my throat. How stupid is that?

Plus there's nutz, who is really great company. Intellectual, knowledgeable and warm. And she's definitely easy on the eye :)
A lanky sort, never been attracted to one before. If i were single, i'd definitely ask her out.
And no, there havent been any indiscretions, not the ones with L anyway :p

Ah crap, i'll update tmrw